In the spirit of writing and thinking I’m clever, I’ve decided to jot down my Super Bowl thoughts as they happen. I’m not posting in real time, but I wrote them down in real time. In-game commentary, as it were. Not original, but fun nonetheless. Here goes.
Before the game…
- WORST. ANTHEM. EVER. Saturday Night Live had a funnier Aaron Neville and their nonsensical anthem made more sense than the breast-free, youth-free one America’s ears were molested by before kickoff.
- The Seahawks run onto the field with the song… “Bittersweet Symphony”? Really? “Smells Like Teen Spirit” or even “Jeremy” would have been a better choice in so many ways. PIT trots out to “Right Here, Right Now.” Not great. But not a terrible and pansy choice like their opponent.
- O, The Places You’ll Go. Harrison Ford probably had a camera crew follow him on one of his pot binges. Seriously, it’s fairly well-known that he’s a Super Stoner, and this intro only solidified that. Nice to see Montana and Rice, but this was just a stupid, stupid thing to have. Madden probably said, “I like Dr. Seuss as much as the next guy, but seriously, how gay has the NFL become?”
- TOM BRADY AT THE COIN TOSS?!?!?!?! YOU LOST, BRO! LOST! I think what happened was this: he had hotel reservations for the Super Bowl and he found out he couldn’t cancel them. “What? You’re gonna charge my card anyway? Well, since I’m already gonna be in town, I might as well drop by and give the teams my blessing.” Geezus. At least this wasn’t a credit card commercial.
Finally, the game begins.
- Darrell Jackson catches a pass on the first play of the game. Good to see Seattle wide receivers overcoming their fear of catching the football and rescinding their ban on receptions. It is the Super Bowl… Shaun Alexander runs for 8 yards. Loved him at Alabama. Roll tide… 1st down completion to Jackson. Bill Walsh smiles… Seahawks drive stalls. They’ve got to counter PIT’s defensive speed to keep these drives alive.
- Tom Rouen in to punt. That guy got two rings with the Broncos. Hey, Elway, remember when you lost to the 49ers. Badly? As much as I am not a fan, he did beat Brett Favre and the Falcons. He’s not all bad. Punt leads us to some COMMERCIALS:
- The Federal Trade Commission must ban Burger King from advertising its product in the United States and its territories. Stop it, please. Yours is not a clever advertising company. Not at all.
- Pittsburgh possession. Heath Miller jumps. Weird that he’d be so anxious in a home game… Another false start. Only pansies get false start penalties in the Super Bowl, guys. You play in the Steel City. They always say bad things are the work of pansies… Another Punt.
- I’m a fan of these Sierra Mist commercials. Gaffigan, Ian Michael Black, the old Mad TV peeps are all funny people in my book. And Nicole Sullivan used to be pretty… Bruce Willis in 16 Blocks. He looks like his dorky doctor character in Death Becomes Her. And isn’t this just Die Hard Up the Street? A cop has to transport a prisoner 16 blocks? What’s next? A guy walks to the corner to drop off some mail?
- Back to the game. But, wait. A little fact. 100+ footballs to be used in the game. The DNA technology for encoding footballs works better than our vote-counting systems. Has to be the case… More penalties… Hasselbeck overthrows another wide receiver. Will this become a pattern for the born-again?
- The Hybrid commercial with the daddy speaking en espanol to his mijo. When the hell did car commercials start making political statements?!!?!?!?!
- Back to the game. Good tackling by the Seahawks. And we’re scoreless through the first 9 minutes. Get comfy, folks. This is going to be a pretty long recap… Hey, I just realized… Super Bowl XL – I’m a medium myself… Great field position for SEA continues.
- Commercials. I can see Puff Daddy producing an album for a Diet Pepsi can – I really can. I mean, was this a documentary? Because I’m pretty sure he’s already done this. He is the soda pop of music producers… Polomalu talks about what it would be like to win the Lombardi tropy. Shit, that was real? There wasn’t a humorous hook in it? GD, folks, this is really just a flipping game.
- Darrell Jackson ties Andre Reed for receptions in the first quarter with 5. We know what happened to Andre Reed teams in the Super Bowl where he caught a pass… Jurevicious, yeah!... Offensive pass interference – lame. I think Tagliabue made a call before the game… 0:22 in 1st Quarter and Josh Brown converts a 47-yard field goal.
- Commercials, and – SPOCK! IT’S MISTER SPOCK! AND HE’S… got some pain… in his hand. And, oh, how funny – he’s at a Star Trek convention and only Alleve will allow him to tell the audience that they should live long and prosper as dorks.
- The game. Ex-49er Cedrick Wilson gets tattooed. I think it was a memorial for his fallen brother Dre… Good no call. Way to pick up the flag. He did lead with his helmet, which is idiotic, but it wasn’t an illegal hit… Seattle’s defensive front is handling the Pittsburgh running game quite capably. Pitt can’t set up their passing game. 3-0 SEA after one quarter of play.
- Commercials. I can see Jackie Chan making a movie with a Diet Pepsi can. You could call it Rust Hour.
- Back to the game. Great return by Peter Warrick… PENALTY!! Return negated. Major bummer… Seattle has to score a touchdown while they can still move the ball this effectively, before Pittsburgh adapts. Their drives keep stalling out… That was a fumble and a half… Pitt gets their first 1st down at 11:12 in the 2nd quarter. Good for them…
- Commercials. Monkeys are never not funny.
- Game. Floater! Boulware intercepts!
- Self-esteem fund?!? We’re gonna throw money at the problem now? Is the fund going to help girls go shopping for esteem-boosting purses, tops and hairdos? “Because every girl has a right to feel good about herself.” Don’t they have a whole channel devoted to this?
- Game. Antwaan Randle El takes a shot in his back. You would generously describe that as a stinger. Youch!
- Commercials. Shaq makes a free throw (shocker!) turns and, with a tear in his eye, says he can’t believe Eva Longoria’s character lost the baby. You know, the second people stop considering the show a comedy, the second we can all accept that it sucks and is nothing more than a daytime soap shot on film.
- Game. They pulled down a guy’s pants to tape up his groin. This is the Super Bowl, people! Let’s keep the pants on. The sexy people are on after the game… Big Ben has never actually used a shovel in his life; his effective but ugly throwing action does pick up a first down for the Steelers… Hines Ward can’t haul it in. I have no idea why Seattle is suddenly on its heels, but it is… 2 offensive Pass Interferences in a Super Bowl? Bizarre!... Grant Wistrom enters Sack City for the first time… Hines Ward! Seattle takes a play off and gets burned. Biggest play of the game to this point!... Name me 2 people who don’t like The Bus. Can’t find ‘em. They don’t exist.
- Commercials. Poseidon. Not only are they remaking classic movies, but they are changing titles to make them more hip. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner becomes Guess Who. And, suddenly, I’m out of examples.
- My roommate notes that Holmgren looks like a Superfan: “Da Bears.” “How many heart attacks is that?” “That would be a baker’s dozen there, Bob.”
- Game. Roethlisberger touchdown? Doesn’t look like the ball crosses the plain, but it is visually inconclusive. Touchdown call upheld. 7-3 Pittsburgh… Another penalty. Ah, penalties. The cost of parity… Let’s see some 2-minute offense, Seattle. West Coast style. Jurevicious: nice; Alexander: 4-yard catch. Time out; Engram catch: first down; JACKSON – ARRGGH!! Out of bounds but they had it; Alexander run: Seattle burns the clock for no reason. I haven’t seen time this mismanaged since Marty McFly accidentally traveled back to 1955 and prevented his parents from falling in love… Seattle timeout. Madden says, “discombobbled.” God bless him.; Missed FG – Pitt’s gonna win this game now. My prediction? 28-6.
Halftime statistics:
1/3 bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos consumed; 16 fluid ounces of Gatorade Fruit Punch imbibed; Degree of caring about the game actually decreased 15% after the first quarter.
It’s pretty obvious that a trailing team at halftime will rarely win a Super Bowl. And there isn’t a Buffalo Bills squad in sight.
Also, I don’t watch halftime shows. I missed Boobgate. I don’t care to watch the Rolling Stones. I checked e-mail and showered.
2nd Half kickoff.
- Big hit on return… Al Michaels compares Bill Cowher to a baseball closer. I think he looks like Rollie Fingers, personally. But I don’t think Cowher’s as dominant a closer as Mariano Rivera. He’s much more in line with a Trevor Hoffman, because he is frighteningly consistent; 75-yard RUN BY WILLIE PARKER!!!! B-A-L-L-G-A-M-E. Go home, Seattle. Now it’s gonna get reeeeeally boring… Seattle gets run game going… Stevens drops another easy ball… Another missed FG – why is it that we always know when a game is over? That sinking feeling just permeates a game sometimes that it’s kind of eerie… Great catch by Hines Ward Then again, that guy does nothing but make great catches… Seattle needs to get a stop on 3rd and 4 to stem the Pitt tide, and they give up an easy first down conversion. Pitt in scoring range… BIG BUS rumbles through! You just know Mike Holmgren wants to be in the Congo with his wife and daughter right now. Not the movie Congo – that was as bad as this second half, but the actual Congo, because it is far more hospitable than Ford Field at the moment… Jerome and retirement – homeboy needs to hook up the lypo machine at the press conference to announce his retirement. We gotta get that fat out of him pronto.
- Commercials. Hummers are made by the Devil. That commercial only proves it.
- Big Game. 3rd and 6. Pitt looking to put it away. Roethlisberger looks right, throws, and OH NO! Herndon runs it back – he’s got to go all the way. But he doesn’t! Just like the Seattle offense, they can’t finish it off!... Doesn’t matter, as Jeremy Stevens eventually catches a TD. Game gets interesting at 14-10 Pittsburgh.
- Adam West voicing Taco Bell commercials. It’s about time.
- Replay of the TD. It’s the first effective pick used against Polomalu since his high school principal made him comb his hair on picture day… Seattle holds Pitt to a three and out. Something brewing?
- Those Toyota Trucks Are Indestructible commercials are building to one specific confrontation: A Toyota Truck vs. The Death Star. When that happens, I might think about considering maybe looking at one of those trucks.
- Stevens has another case of the dropsies. He’s doing his impression of Seattle, circa the past five years… False start. GUH… Seattle 3 and out… A promo for Grey’s Anatomy. You mean, Super-Sized Scrubs without the Funny. Right?... Pitt goes 3 and out… Seattle starts dead in the water, at the 3 yard line, thanks to a bonehead play by Peter Warrick, befitting of those idiots who come out of FSU (save Derrick Brooks)… Hasselbeck smartly runs for first down… another hurt Steeler. Where’s the Kaiser Permanente sponsorship when you need it?... Wow. Doesn’t Seattle have to put out a grunge album of suicidal music if they win the turnover battle but lose the game?... Big 3rd down. Easily converted… Seattle moves the ball with ease… Stevens finally caught a ball – but it’s negated… BIIIIIIIG sack. Pitt’s jumping your count, Hasselbeck! Draw them off!... Hasselbeck overthrows again, this time leading to an INT…. Clearly, Tagliabue has deemed Pitt the winners, as evidenced by this completely lame penalty against Hasselbeck who made a perfectly legal tackle… Another critical 3rd down and Pitt gets it… Perfect trick play!
- The Touchdown. Attention all Midwest, Mideast, blue collar Americans. You have just lost your collective rite (given to you by yourselves, btw) to call the west coast offense pussy or sissy, because a WR just threw a touchdown in the Super Bowl. 21-10 Pittsburgh.
- Who was the last Bill to lose a Super Bowl? If you’re facing off against a Bill, you’re gonna lose. Sorry, Mike. In the event that guys with the same name face off (Mike Holmgren v. Mike Shanahan), then it goes reverse alphabetical order.
- If Seattle can score with six minutes left, they’ll have a shot; but now Pitt can just take potshots at Seattle. And Seattle will somehow get penalties.
- Big fumble. Gotta give that back.
- ESPN Mobile. Why do I want infotainment on my phone?
- Result of challenge: Ahh, we have an ending of interest.
- Seattle’s gotta move it. Hasselbeck overthrows another WR after 1st down.
- Questionable clock management with 6:50 to go. Hasselbeck sacked!
- Get ready to watch this run out.
- Inside screen gets the first down, effectively icing the game. Congrats, Steel City.
